Practice like a Stoic: 22, Roll with insults
Use self-deprecating humor when someone tries to offend you
[This series of posts is based on A Handbook for New Stoics—How to Thrive in a World out of Your Control, co-authored by yours truly and Greg Lopez. It is a collection of 52 exercises, which we propose reader try out one per week during a whole year, to actually live like a Stoic. In Europe/UK the book is published by Rider under the title Live Like A Stoic. Below is this week’s prompt and a brief explanation of the pertinent philosophical background. Check the book for details on how to practice the exercise, download the exercise forms from The Experiment’s website, and comment below on how things are going. Greg and/or I will try our best to help out! This week’s exercise is found at pp. 140-141 of the paperback edition.]
“If some one tells you that so and so speaks ill of you, do not defend yourself against what he says, but answer, ‘He did not know my other faults, or he would not have mentioned these alone.’” (Epictetus, Enchiridion, 33.9)
We’re easily offended these days—and our society takes insults seriously, going so far as to enforce strict rules of conduct within organizations and governments, and on university campuses. This would have been rather puzzling to the Stoics, because insults are a perfect example of the dichotomy of control, and provide us with a very good chance to exercise it.
An insult is, in effect, a three-step process: First, someone has to say something to you that is meant to be offensive. Second, you have to take whatever has been said as offensive. Last, you have to react to the insult, since without a reaction the insult falls flat. Eliciting your reaction is precisely what the other person wants; it is the very point of the insult. Let’s take the three steps in turn and analyze them from a Stoic perspective.
The first step is clearly not in your control. It is entirely up to the one who insults to decide to say those words. Which brings us to the second step: internalizing what is said to you, which is entirely under your control. There are two possible ways to understand the insult: either your interlocutor did mean to insult you, or they meant to convey a criticism but not an insult. Which brings us to step three: how you respond. In the scenario of conveying criticism, the reasonable response would be to thank the person for alerting you to a possible mistake—that is, to take what they are saying as constructive criticism. But what about the first case? If what they are saying is in fact incorrect, or obviously not meant constructively, the joke is on them: It’s no skin off my nose if you say something about me that does not correspond to the truth; it is you who will look like a fool. Epictetus uses the analogy of a syllogism, a basic type of deductive logical inference: If someone gets a syllogism wrong, it isn’t the syllogism that is going to suffer, it’s the one who made the reasoning mistake.
So, then, how do we respond, as Stoics, to an insult? Here, too, there are two options. One, which is mentioned by Epictetus elsewhere, is to behave like a rock—that is, do nothing.1 Try this one out on your own. Pick up an actual rock, and hurl some good and satisfying insults at it. Done? Good. Do you feel like an idiot? Of course you do, because the rock did not react, thus entirely nullifying the very reason for the insult. The second, more sophisticated option, is to do what Epictetus says and engage in good old-fashioned self-deprecating humor: “Oh, you think that’s the worst you can say about me? Then you obviously don’t know me well.” This completely disarms your opponent, and makes them feel like a fool. But you need to be mentally prepared for this sort of reaction; it isn’t always easy to pull off in the middle of a heated situation.
Great post as always, Prof. Pigliucci! And, well, Epictetus was such an interesting and witty character!
A bit of stoicism in action on my part! The other day, while walking back home, a guy sitting in his car looked at me and said something like: “Look, Jesus Christ is here!” (Well, I don't blame him! Just look at my profile picture! Ahahah) It may sound like an innocent comment, but, considering how it is often used 'against' me where I live (Southern Italy), I know that it is meant to provoke a reaction. Anyway, this guy and his friends started laughing...
Well, I immediately thought about this post and considered what the right course of action could possibly be. In the end, I went for option n.1. Did not utter a word. No reaction whatsoever. This guy and his friends switched from boisterous laughters to silence in a matter of a few seconds. They ‘insulted’ a rock, basically!
I wish I had something ready to deploy option n.2 effectively!
I’ll do it as soon as I have the opportunity!
Got Epictetus beat by a mile. Ever met any Jews?