Practice like a Stoic: 24, Premeditate on encountering difficult people

Other people's judgments, values, and decisions are not under our control

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[This series of posts is based on A Handbook for New Stoics—How to Thrive in a World out of Your Control, co-authored by yours truly and Greg Lopez. It is a collection of 52 exercises, which we propose reader try out one per week during a whole year, to actually live like a Stoic. In Europe/UK the book is published by Rider under the title Live Like A Stoic. Below is this week’s prompt and a brief explanation of the pertinent philosophical background. Check the book for details on how to practice the exercise, download the exercise forms from The Experiment’s website, and comment below on how things are going. Greg and/or I will try our best to help out! This week’s exercise is found at pp. 148-150 of the paperback edition.]

“When you wake, say to yourself: ‘Today I shall encounter meddling, ingratitude, violence, cunning, jealousy, self-seeking; all of them the results of men not knowing what is good and what is evil. But seeing that I have beheld the nature and nobility of good, and the nature and meanness of evil, and the nature of the sinner, who is my brother, participating not indeed in the same flesh and blood, but in the same mind and partnership with the divine, I cannot be injured by any of them; for no man can involve me in what demeans. Neither can I be angry with my brother, or quarrel with him; for we are made for cooperation, like the feet, the hands, the eyelids, the upper and the lower rows of teeth. To thwart one another is contrary to nature; and one form of thwarting is resentment and estrangement.’” (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2.1)

This is one of our favorite pieces of advice from Marcus, and there is much to unpack. To begin with, notice that the emperor-philosopher is simply reminding himself of a fact of life: Some people are meddlers, ingrates, violent, cunning, jealous, and selfish. This is just the way things are, and to wish otherwise is to yearn for a fig in wintertime (to use one of Epictetus’s metaphors). Facing the facts instead of indulging in wishful thinking better prepares us for what is to come and how to handle it.

Marcus then reflects that he has developed a better understanding of the nature of good and evil, and in particular that he knows he cannot be injured by someone else’s words or behaviors. This will sound strange to a non-Stoic, but by now it should be a familiar concept, as it is also the focus of the Discipline of Desire: The only things that are truly good and evil are the ones we control, that is, our own judgments, values, and decisions. Other people’s judgments, values, and decisions are not under our control, so they are preferred (when they favor us) or dispreferred (when they disfavor us) indifferents. By truly internalizing this concept we cannot be hurt by what others say or do, because it is our decision to become involved or not in “what demeans.”

Likewise, it is unnatural to fight with others. This concept is also rooted in the Stoic ideas of cosmopolitanism and living according to (human) nature. What sort of beings are we? Highly social, and capable of reason. It follows that we are made (by natural selection, we would say today) to cooperate, because that’s the only way we survive and thrive. It also follows that our ability to reason reveals this truth and suggests that the best course of action is to help our brothers and sisters instead of quarreling with them.