Practice like a Stoic: 25, Deal virtuously with frustrating people

Ten very useful suggestions from Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius, image from citaty-slavnych.sk, CC license.

[This series of posts is based on A Handbook for New Stoics—How to Thrive in a World out of Your Control, co-authored by yours truly and Greg Lopez. It is a collection of 52 exercises, which we propose reader try out one per week during a whole year, to actually live like a Stoic. In Europe/UK the book is published by Rider under the title Live Like A Stoic. Below is this week’s prompt and a brief explanation of the pertinent philosophical background. Check the book for details on how to practice the exercise, download the exercise forms from The Experiment’s website, and comment below on how things are going. Greg and/or I will try our best to help out! This week’s exercise is found at pp. 154-156 of the paperback edition.]

“First. My relation towards men. We are made for one another. . . .

Second. What are men like in board, in bed, and so on? Above all, what principles do they hold binding? And how far does pride enter into their actual conduct?

Third. If others are doing right, you have no call to feel sore; if wrong, it is not willful, but comes of ignorance.

Fourth. You are like others, and often do wrong yourself. Even if you abstain from some forms of wrong, all the same you have the bent for wrongdoing, though cowardice, or desire for popularity, or some other low motive keeps you from wrong of the same kind.

Fifth. You cannot even be sure if they are doing wrong; for many actions depend upon some secondary end. In short, one has much to learn, before one can make sure and certain about another’s action.

Sixth. When sorely provoked and out of patience, remember that man’s life is but for a moment; a little while, and we all lie stretched in death.

Seventh. Men’s actions—resting with them and their Inner Selves—cannot agitate us, but our own views regarding them. Get rid of these, let judgment forego its indignation, and therewith anger departs.

Eighth. How much more unconscionable are our anger and vexation at the acts, than the acts which make us angry and vexed!

Ninth. Kindness is invincible if only it is honest, not fawning or insincere. What can the most aggressive do, if you keep persistently kind, and as occasion offers gently remonstrate, and seize the moment when he is bent on mischief, for trying quietly to convert him to a better frame of mind. . . . Then point him gently to the general law of things . . . but avoid any touch of irony or fault finding, and be affectionate and conciliatory in tone; not in schoolmaster style, or to show off before others, but quietly in his own ear, even if others are standing by.

Bear these nine heads in mind, gifts as it were of the nine Muses. While you still live, before it is too late, begin to be a man! Be on your guard against flattering as well as against petulance; both come of self-seeking, and both do harm. … “Anger, like grief, is a mark of weakness; both mean being wounded, and wincing.

Tenth and lastly—a gift, so please you, from Apollo, leader of the Choir. Not to expect the worthless to do wrong is idiocy; it is asking an impossibility. To allow them to wrong others, and to claim exemption for yourself, is graceless and tyrannical.”(Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.18)

This is a long list of advice but, we think, entirely worth reflecting on as we enter a new phase in Stoic thinking. Marcus is reminding himself of a number of crucial Stoic guidelines that, if consistently applied, will make life not only more serene, but also more just. It’s likely that people frequently irritated Marcus, as emperor, for all sorts of reasons. Over time, he would have accumulated a number of prompts to return to every time he found himself in a similar aggravating situation. Let’s take a closer look at each piece of advice, since these will all be helpful in dealing with our own frustrations.

1. We are all members of the human population, here to help each other.

2. Ask yourself why people do what they do, especially when they do wrong. Understanding their motivations goes a long way.

3. Nobody does wrong on purpose; no one wishes to be considered a bad person. People make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones, but they think they are doing right.

4. Don’t feel superior to others; you are just as fallible as they are.

5. Remember that you often don’t have sufficient knowledge of other people’s motivations or situations, so abstain from judgment.

6. Keep in mind that you are mortal, and that human life is brief. Whatever bothers you, it will not last long.

7. What causes us to lose serenity is not what other people do, but our opinions of what they do, and our opinions are within our power.

8. Often, by being sore about things, we cause more damage to ourselves than those things caused damage to us.

9. Do your best to correct others, but gently and without irony, and for the right reason, not just to show off.

10. Don’t expect people not to do wrong, because that is foolish. But do not allow them to hurt others, if it is in your power to stop them, because that’s your duty as a human being.